Lately ... well, more like since I got married Aug. 28th 2010, my idea and understanding of Love and Marriage has been in a constant state of change, growing, redefining, exposing unrealistic ideas or expectations. Needless to say - my idea of a beautiful marriage or a beautiful love relationship looks alot different than when it did before I said "I do".
The first line explains for me the growth of my understanding. Before you get married, there are certain parts of marriage that you wont fully embrace or prepare for until you're in that place where you're face to face with things like ... selflessness, giving up pride, compromising expectations and desires, putting your love's needs before your own - even and especially when those needs don't make much sense to you because yours are different. It's things like these that I thought I had a pretty good handle on while we were engaged and even just brand-newly married (btw I recognize that we still are newly married - lol.) - but I had (and still have) alot to learn. And lately, we have really been learning and walking through some of these things, that when embraced, I believe honestly do lead to such a beautiful journey in love and marriage - not easy, but beautiful. And so... here are some thoughts - in no particular order. Also, you must know, I am still learning, and growing. Mr. hartin and I have been married just short of a year, and so I do not presume to have things figured out. Maybe there are some reading my blog who are years ahead of me in marriage ( hope so ! ) and you have insights, wisdom and experiences that surpass mine. I recognize that and share these things, keeping mind I've got a long way to go. These are just simple thoughts - some things I'm learning.
If you're a believer and you are seeking to walk in God's ways, His ways in marriage are built on a foundation of Love and Submission - and the beautiful dance between these two. I say beautiful dance because that phrase kept popping up in my thoughts as I contemplated the interaction between Love and Submission. Paul the apostle had in mind when he was speaking of marriage, the example of Christ's union and relationship to His bride, the Church - this is so important to keep in mind when we're trying to learn and walk in a love relationship with husby or wifey, that God intended. I'm so thankful God didn't say, "Here, be united with one another; man leave your fam. and have lots of babies with your wife. Have fun figuring things out, oh and just don't divorce or kill eachother as you do so". My point was that God didn't just leave us here without any guidance on how have a marriage built on His Love, His Ways and His Will. He gives us Christ's example to follow, to pattern our marriages after - not necessarily answers, but principles that give us guidance along the journey! So back to Paul, in his letter to the Church in Ephesus, Paul calls the believers to pattern their covenant with their spouses after the covenant that Christ made with His Church. (I know this is the "typical" marriage passage that everyone refers to, and its been exegieted, preached on, and explained far more in depth and for lack of a better word, better than I am about to do so now- but this is not a marriage seminar or a sermon, just some thoughts and reflections).
Eph. 5:22-25, "Wives submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church... Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" ... and thus the beautiful dance between Submission and Love.
A really important thing for me when reading scriptures like these is to have as true of an understanding of what Paul means when he says words like "submit" or "love" - inevitably, because of my own experiences and mindset, I might have a different idea of what submission looks like, than what Paul was referring to. Because we're human we might have a very poor picture of submission, void of anything lovely, or beautiful or life-giving.
I'm learning that Love and Submission are built on the same foundation; Christ. And at their core, the two are not much different from one another when they are lived out. The husband's call to love is based on the foundation of sacrifice, selflessness, giving up as Christ "loved the Church and gave Himself up for her". And we have a picture of what that looks like; He laid down his rights. He washed her feet. He pointed her eyes to the Father. He rebuked and correcter her as there was need. He served her. He lead her. He was strong when she was weak. He sought after her when she was lost. He prayed for her. His body broken, His blood spilled - He experienced death... for her, for His Bride. John, another man that walked with Jesus, explained how we can know exactly what love looks like. 1Jhn. 3:16, "This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us". Thus a bit of an understanding of what it could mean for a husband to love His wife. And of course, love looks different with each person, each relationship, each day, each circumstance and the expression of love will thus look different; but I believe what unites every expression of love, the love of God in us, is the foundation on which its built.
Love as it dances with submission. Our call, as wives, to embrace submission. I am learning submission to be a beautiful thing - a difficult thing to be honest at times - but sincerely beautiful. And maybe that's just the way alot of things are with God's ways; things that are beautiful and good. There is a necessary difficulty, struggle, or maybe even pain and thats what makes it beautiful and not just appealing, or truly Good and not just convenient or enjoyable. Like a Rose with thorns. Submission needs to be understood in view of the Churches submission to Christ. Even though we are co-heirs with Christ, He is still our Lord. There were those who sat at Christ's feet and those who reclined on his bossom. There were those who called him King and Lord and those who called him friend. He was supreme over Creation; in, through, and whom were all things made. Entirely Sufficient. And yet, everything he did was in submission to the Father's will. The Point? There is a partnership in submission. Submission is not weakness. Submission is not a dictatorship.
Submission is not apathy.
Submission is not indifference.
Submission is not giving up and not caring because your opinion doesn't matter.
I am learning that submission is trust. How often as the Church, do we get stressed, worried and anxious about where Christ is leading us or how Christ is leading us. And yet, we worship him as we recognize that even in the midst of our fear, worry, thinking that we know better, that Christ is the One who leads, the One who provides, the One who cares for us and knows our needs better than we do - and we trust him (or try to). Maybe there is an aspect of that kind of trust that our husbands desire us to have in them. A confidence. A faith in their ability to lead, in their judgment.
Of course, husbands are not Christ. Realistically, they are not sovereign, or perfect, they are not God. But I do think that maybe the love that was in Christ should be the love that as husbands and wives we seek to conform to, to pattern and allow our love to be shaped by.
One of the most IMPORTANT aspects of marriage as a journey of love, is sacrifice and everything that goes with it (humility, putting the one you love before yourself, willingness to compromise, etc.) One of the reasons I think that is because I see that as one of the most Important characteristics of Christ's love, the love that we are called to walk in.
I am so thankful that marriage is more than romance. its more than trying to make yourself happy. its more than life turning out like you always pictured. its so much more.
I think marriage is one of the most beautiful things that God has ever created. it truly is.
I pray that God teaches us to walk in a love that is His very own as we journey through marriage.
Also - I must take time for mr.hartin - or else this blog wouldn't be complete. I must take time to say (and I know every bride thinks this of their love) he is the most precious and treasured blessing God has given me. I adore him and I am so thankful to be loved by him. Being married to him has been more beautiful than I had even dreamed it would be. Every morning I thank my God that I wake up next to him.
I would love to hear some of Your thoughts and experiences on love and marriage! Find me on facebook or email me @ amycolehartin@gmail.com
